Slowly crawling up my body like the hands of a passionate lover…
Oh…wait……That’s not my style of writing…let’s start over.
The sun came up….and it was good.
It was warm and bright…like light should be…and it was another beautiful day.
I was excited this morning.
No, not “morning wood” excited you bunch of pervs…! I was just excited for the new day and the things I had planned.
I lay there for a moment in my sleeper, perusing my thoughts, untangling myself from Fern and…oh, that’s right!
I haven’t introduced y’all to Fern yet have I?
Fern is my 6’ long body pillow. She is blue and has a couple of tears in her seams. She is my bunk mate and secret lover. I am sure that there are things that only she knows, about the levels of depravities I must be capable of during my slumber.
I shudder to think.
But in a good way…..
She is very tight lipped, thank God.
Well, after pushing that slut aside, I kicked off my blankets, gave a big stretch that almost made me black out, scratched my crotch…then my butt…gave a satisfied little poot then rolled over onto my left side and looked out the front window of my truck.
Yep…the sun was up, and it was time to grace the world with my presence once again!
I was glad to be the one man on Earth that others could look up to.
A shining beacon of hope.
It is a thankless job, but my hippy friend Jesus said not to complain.
“Look at what happened to me” he laughs…
I thought that was bad form, but….He got a kick out of it, so I didn’t say anything.
Hippies are weird.
As I peered into the closet of my sleeper, loud shouting burst out in a deafening cacophony of sound.
“Pick me, Pick me!” my pants were screaming.
“No…pick me, pick me!” My shirts screamed back at them.
There was a small squirmish and some punches were thrown….
I held up my hand for silence.
The pushing and shoving stopped.
I could see that all of my clothes were tingling with excitement as to which of them would get to create part of my ensemble and walk around with me all day being appreciated by the masses.
After scolding them with my eyes for a second I reached out for a pair of blue jeans.
The blue jeans fell from their hanger before I could touch them, crumpling to the floor.
One of my shirts said “Oh my god, I think they passed out”
Another shirt swooned “Oh, I would too if it had been me” They all giggled.
I told them to keep it down.
I reached down and picked up the swooning pair of jeans and snapping them like a WHIP! I slid them up my legs and hitched them up.
I could feel the pants starting to tighten around my hoo ha’s and butt.
“Knock it off…!” I told the pants.
They loosened with a sigh.
I started to reach for a shirt when I heard one pants leg whisper to the other “He’s not wearing any underwear, I could just die…”
I slapped the perverted pants leg.
The fawning ceased.
I then noticed something…”You buncha….” I reached around and had to pry and pull the perverted pants out of my crack. “Good grief, knock it off!” I shouted.
Everybody wants a piece of me.
I guess I shouldn’t blame them.
I’d do me too if it wasn’t against the laws of nature.
A red Nike shirt I had started to pick from its hanger said “Master, I think you should wear light blue today”
I looked at Red Nike crossly “Do you pretend to know thy Masters desires and dare question my choice!” I scolded sharply.
Red Nike quivered on its hanger and whimpered “No Master…it’s such a sunny day and the sky is so blue, I was just thinking that a light blue shirt would complement thine own eyes”
“Dost thou attempt to brown-nose thy Master?’ I asked…a little amused.
Red Nike replied quickly ”Why yes Master, of course”.
I threw back my head and laughed out loud like a drunken Viking, my hands on my hips, my feet wide apart, man boobs swinging.
“You have spoken well Red Nike shirt. Next time I wash you, I will use the hot cycle and hang you outside to dry in a nice breeze.”
Red Nike shirt swooned and fell off its hanger.
I am a gracious Master.
I was now dressed.
My clothes caressed my skin as I moved.
“That’s better” I told them. They giggled.
Walking across the truck stop I had to admonish the pant’s as they kept tightening in the crotch and drawing back into my booty.
“I will stop right now, take y’all off, and wear shorts all day! Would you like that!?….keep it up!”
They apologized profusely. “Suck asses” I thought.
I walked into the store and started to look around for my favorite snacks.
Fig Newton’s and Licorice.
As I was standing there, I sensed someone standing next to me.
It was a gorgeous woman.
She was wearing a gray sweat-suit that fit her curvaceous form in all the right places.
Her hair was black and a little tousled. She had on no make-up…and I thought she was beautiful
No, she WAS beautiful.
She must have sensed me looking down at her because she looked up at me…then smiled.
I was in love.
She bent down and began rummaging around the bottom shelf for something.
She didn’t kneel down.
She was doing that bent over, arched back thingee that women do, thinking that they can control us….
Where was I at…? Oh…
I felt the crotch of my pants starting to get tight again. I whispered thru my clinched lips “I said to knock it off” I heard one pants leg say to the other “It’s not me” the other said “It’s ain’t me either”
I whispered…”Okay, my bad”
The beautiful woman found what she was looking for, and turning toward me, I could swear that I saw her skull moving just below her pale skin.
My mind was playing tricks on me…had to be.
I could have sworn that just as she had started to turn towards me, I thought…I thought I had seen her tongue flick out a couple of times.
“Hi” she said, her tongue sliding across her lips and teeth.
Her eyes had a moon glow to them, ringed in red.
“Oh shit” I thought.
I felt….my body….moving….being …drawn into….
I forced my mind clear….fighting to keep my sanity.
I looked down at what she had in her hands.
Midol and a bottle of Jim Beam.
That’s when it hit me.
The primordial survival instinct that all men have went on high alert.
I was about to succumb to the moon cycle blood lust where other men through the epochs had perished.
My pants hurried me toward the doors like a couple of Secret Service men, yelling at me to
“Run Away! Run Away!”
I could hear the Moon woman behind me, slithering and sliding….A hideous hissing and gnashing sound coming from her pale lips and snapping teeth.
“You should know why I’m upset” she hissed.
…..Kinda sounded like my wife…..Could it be….?
“Honey biscuit….?” I whimpered.
My pants pushed me through the doors and hurried me to my truck.
“It’s not your wife anymore!” they screamed as howls of torment faded behind us.
“You never give me flowers anymore!!” The crazy woman’s voice was in my head, her ripping, tearing talons on my flesh!
As I ran I could feel my Blue Nike shirt struggling for air, the sweat pouring from my skin in my panic to escape the woman suffering from Moon Taint.
It was his first encounter with a member of the Moon tribe.
He didn’t make it.
He was torn from my back as I burst thru the doors of a Catholic Church seeking holy ground.
He was a good shirt.
My wife uses him as a dish rag now.
She doesn’t remember attacking me.