Resolutions My Patoottie!

Jeez….All these friggin’ resolutions……

This is gonna suck…..

1)      No more smoking…..Ever…….Forever…….Years I’m talking

a)      Cancer of all makes and models

b)      Prices

c)       Crutchless crutch

d)      No smoking in bars anymore, so what’s the point? (Sunza bitches)

e)      Makes my truck and clothes smell like an ashtray

 

2)      No more carbonated water….Ever…..

a)      Fat Bastard

b)      Heart disease

c)       “Dunlaps” disease (Belly ‘dunlapped’ over my belt)

d)      Peeing all the time

e)      Did I say fat bastard yet?

 

3)      No more religious affiliation with an organized church

a)      Hypocrisy

b)      Translation of “Gods” word

c)       Restrictions

d)      Intolerance

e)      Can I get an AMEN!?

 

4)      Low Salt, Low Sugar, Low fat

a)      See above Fat Bastard entry

b)      Heart attack

c)       Blood clots

d)      Diabetes

e)      Kidney Failure due to peeing all the time

f)       Have tongue removed since I won’t need taste buds any more.

 

5)      No porno

a)      IIIII……don’t know what you’re talking about.

 

6)      Be more tolerant of:

a)      Jews (Just the Christian ones)

b)      Negroes (Just the gangsta’s)

c)       Pole-locks

d)      Spicks (Just the ones that work in Chinese, Korean or Greek restaurants)

e)      Vietnameseseses

f)       Trekkies

g)      Wops (Only the Olive Garden variety)

h)      Justin Bieber (sic) Who gives a shit?

i)        Wal-Mart employees

j)        Starbucks Prices (NEVER)

k)      Commies (Pinkos)

l)        Homo’s (just the guys)

m)    Etc, etc, etcetera.

n)      Just kidding…..I love Vietnameseseses

 

7)      More Exercise

a)      After I lose 40 lbs

b)      After I lose my high blood pressure

c)       Buy a Life Alert bracelet

d)      Memorize the number to 911

 

8)      Become more involved with local charities and donations

a)      Homeless shelters

b)      Soup kitchens

c)       Alcoholics in Rehab

d)      Wounded Warrior Project

e)      Tim Tebow Foundation

f)       Feed the Children (I spent more on beer in one day than these will cost me in a year)

 

9)      Food Storage

a)      Do it now

b)      It’s a smart thing to do

c)       http://www.wisefoods.com (Not a promo, or paid advertisement. Just good advice)

 

10)   Try not to judge others

a)      It’s the hardest thing to do on this list of resolutions. I don’t know why it should be hard but it is.

b)      I admit that I am at fault with this but can honestly say that I TRY NOT TO DO IT.

c)       I have to remember that when I look at myself on the outside, I don’t see much, and that I know what is inside of me. I may look like an escaped convict that you see on the post office wall, but I cry at Disney movies and love pedicures.

I know that everyone has their own story to tell and I cannot understand or judge them without having walked in their shoes.

d)      I will work on this resolution the hardest.

So, let’s be honest in our blogs and share our hearts You and I.

The written word will change mankind………