In Good Taste

All of my skin is falling off….

….Or I woke up in a pile of dried onion flakes.

I look AWESOME in Armor!
I look AWESOME in Armor!

I have noticed a few things here and there as I approach my 50th birthday.

Other than the fact that I will be half-a century old (sigh) I also must come to grips with the fact that I am quickly falling apart.

I believe that my skin is like a bunch of rats abandoning a sinking ship.

I have been greasy most of my life, eschewing Oil of Olay, Lubriderm and similar products.

But now, I can use my fingernails to write phone numbers on my forearm.

So I decided to attempt a scientific observation or three this morning.

As the rising sun shines thru my windshield I scratch my arm as if killing an itch.

I see that there is little flying flakes of epidermis floating in the sunrays like dandelion parachutists.

I am not initially alarmed at this because I am aware that all of the skin on your body is dead anyways.

In my case however, I have drawn the conclusion that the state my floating flakes present is that my skin was dead before I ever saw it.

That’s right….

I am a Zombie…

That’s the only explanation for my body’s current….Let’s say……status.

I do not crave the taste of human flesh as yet, but I know that as the world spends out of control, currencies collapse, infrastructures implode and nations war over map lines, I have a distinct advantage over most of my fellow men and women.

I am devious and have a fear of starving to death.

You are as good as seared and spritzed with a light extra virgin olive oil.

A) I will not eat men over 40. They tend to be gamey and I cannot have much fat according to my doctor.

B) I will not eat gay people. They are nothing but sugar and spice and cause tooth decay.

C) I will not eat family members because most of them owe me money. It is truly precious to be in my debt…..They just don’t know how lucky they are.

But if I hit the lottery…..Dead meat.bonus-picsay

I will eat my brother first because he is low in fat and big boned. Plus, he is bald so I won’t have to worry about a hair-ball.

I will boil him with potatoes and carrots, some turmeric and allspice and maybe some red pepper hummus to give him some pizzazz.

Hell, his wife doesn’t even like him.

I think she would starve to death before eating him out of spite….

He is rather ugly now that I think about it.

I should have thrown him in the creek tied up in a burlap sack filled with bricks and baby kittens when we were kids.

I couldn’t do that….I love cats….especially with Szechuan techniques and a nice peanut oil.

I haven’t decided which wine I should serve with my brother. Do you serve chardonnay or a red wine with dumbass?


I will not eat my ex-wife because she is too short…. 😉wpid-20131203_111517.jpg

Maybe just a munchable….hmmmmm


I will eat my children though….But I’ll have to make them last awhile.

They come from good stock and will probably taste like me and I taste great!

Don’t want to be gluttonous however, that’s sinful nature….

Who else shall I eat….Let me think….


I’ll turn my wife into peanut butter because she’s freaking nuts if she thinks I’m gonna get rid of my old t-shirt!

I think I’ll put her on a spit over a flaming pyre. I won’t even garnish her or baste her with anything!

She doesn’t even deserve BBQ sauce thinking I’ll ever get rid of my Ozzy t-shirt. I’ve had it longer than I’ve had her, and I HAVE HAD her many many times!


OMG! I just realized something…

My wife is a slut! (Love ya honey biscuit)

I don’t care if it’s got holes in it and washing no longer takes all of the “me funk” out of it, it’s my dang lucky shirt!

Crazy ass white woman…

I’m not even gonna serve side dishes with her now that I think about it….

So there!

I do not fear rotting away or spending eternity as a Zombie.

First, as I have stated before, I am already rotting away.

There is obviously something dead inside me, or maybe everything is dead.

Whatever it or they are smells like…..Eck!images (33)

I can’t even stand myself…..

I shouldn’t smell this bad and still be alive.

If I start smelling like garlic and Vicks vapor rub I’m gonna kill myself!!


Okay, well…..I’m tired of messing with y’all and trying to get a laugh outta you on a Monday morning.

Its Monday right….?

Hell, I don’t even know what day it is….

Alright then, start trying to figure out which people you are going to have to eat when the shit hits the fan.

It’s always better to be loved by thy neighbor….and trusted.

That way when you have to bash ‘em in the head you don’t have to sneak up on them….

Good tip….

You’re servant,signature 2

13 thoughts on “In Good Taste”

  1. Dude, you are so messed up. I am going to be a vampire when I grow up, and this is way cooler. I already have the black cat complete with her own set of fangs, and drinking blood has got to taste better than family members. I would seriously starve if I did the whole family thing: Mum and one sister. The sister I would have to travel all the way to Northern California for, and that is way too far for a meal. I am surrounded by old people, and that is just tough chewing which leads to the bone real quick. Yeah, drinking blood is my option. I can hit a blood bank almost anywhere and all mammals have blood. You are seriously missing the boat on this one. If you sucked blood, well your skin wouldn’t be falling off: you would be young, good looking, and rich.

      1. Well, you stated you are falling apart…vampires don’t fall apart until they are like one billion zillion years old, or Wesley Snipes gets a hold of them. They also don’t dig fire, so I am sure they are not sitting around the BBQ pit roasting ex-wives. Just sayin.
        If you are referring to the good looking rich part, I have to point out the obvious: you suffer from self aggrandizement and you are truck driver, not the highest paying job in America.
        Love ya,

      2. I seriously didn’t like that movie so I don’t remember all the lines, just the plot. My sister wanted to be Jodie Foster after that though. She is messed up. I guess she thought it would be exciting to investigate crimes like that one. So, in the end, I will have to look you up on the FB zombie page. Got it!

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