Happening Now

Here comes winter storm, Octavia.

Your humble reporter (that’s me) is currently sitting in the tiny town of Oak Grove, Louisiana; that’s in the northeastern corner of the Pelican State for those of you that don’t quite know where bum fuck Egypt is.

It’s down the road apiece, say 5 or 6 miles….

I am perched at my kitchen table with a cup of luke warm Java, a half eaten fried egg (always sunny-side up, mind you) a piece of wheat toast with sugar free jam and a fuzzy white teddy bear that I got on V-day from the coven of witches that reside in my house.

It’s just sitting there staring at me….

It’s collar says it loves me.

I doubt it….we hardly know each other.

Besides, I don’t trust anyone that wears a polka dot tie and has no pants on and a come hither glint in it’s beady eye…

I’ll give it to our damn dog and see how cocky the stuffed bastard is after a few minutes of rough fore-play and doggy style sex.

No…I couldn’t do that. Even to an inanimate bear.

No….I’ll get drunk later and give it to the dog.

That’s a good dog….(as I turn my head away in disgust and repulsion at the evils that drink have led me to and the consequent inebriated admiration of watching a good Viking rape and pillage)

Back to our weather report….

The sun is shining through high wispy clouds.

The ground and trees are a smattering of differing shades of brown and tan with a pinch of optimistic green spots that actually had the temerity to believe that winter ain’t so bad down here….

The wind is picking up and howling around the corners of my house; well, not howling exactly, more like a deep throaty groaning, kinda like…

Hold on…

The dogs got the damn teddy bear in the living room.

God, I’m glad my grandmother can’t see this.

I have rescued the teddy bear.

I should have never threw it at the dog.

I wonder if the priest will come over and bless the house, later.

I should inform him of the sinful wanton nature of our devil dog and what heresy and depravity just transpired in my house.

The last thing we need is a priest bursting into flames in my living-room, consumed by the fires of hell!

Can I get an amen!?

Say, Hallelujah!

Is it priests or vampires that have to be invited in?

I can’t remember….

Anywhos….

I am looking out of my window and there are people riding horses past my house.

The wind is howling now. I can see the mudflaps on my truck stirring….

I wonder what the horses think about being out in this oncoming winter blast.

The riders are all wearing big coats and wooly hats….Hmm, I didn’t know Cosaks lived here.

Dr. Doolittle would probably blush if he heard what those poor horsies are saying to each other.

1st Horsie: “First chance we get, head for the barn. If the fat bastards can’t hold on, screw ’em!”

2nd Horsie: “But what if they say Whoa or Sttooopppp!!!!”

3rd Horsie: “No comprhende, Englaze”

I just went and checked on the wife.

She hasn’t been found.

I found a foot and tickled it but all it did was retreat back under the covers and call me an asshole.

Funny that….

I didn’t know her feet could talk. I figured those big, ogre toenails would’ve gotten in the way.

She’s under those covers somewhere….

Well, I’ll just leave her be for the time being.

Old people need their rest.

Why is Lacy on the couch?

She has her own room and an expensive air mattress to sleep on.

 

 

Oh crap! She’s got my dang Sponge Bob pillow!

Now I’m gonna have to get the damned thing dry cleaned, or whatever they do with pillow soaked in teen-aged slobber and excretions on ’em!

Good lord….

I think the dog is dead….

I see it sleeping on the same damn couch down by Lacy’s feet, I guess that’s the end where her feet are. The snores and grunts seem like they’re at the end closest to me.

Poor dog…

Alas, Lacy has her mothers feet.

I wouldn’t want to go out like that.

Wow, this wind is really picking up…

I gotta drive north in my big rig in this crap, later on, too!

It’s not suppose to get ice and snow down here!

Wait, I just thought of something….

“I can’t make it to work! The ice is too thick and the roads are too slippery! It’s not SAFE!!”

I’m sorry that I’m fussing so much about the weather down here when all of my fellow citizens in the Northeast US are getting pounded with winter weather.

I should be more sympathetic.

Well, that’s what y’all get for being Yankee scum!

Poor teddy bear….left unconscious in the middle of the kitchen floor after the damned dog had it’s way with it.

I tried not too watch the appaling display of lust and anger unfolding 3 feet from my table and I tried to concentrate on my weather report for y’all but, I am like everyone else, I guess…..Demented and forgiven by Jesus.

It’s like watching the National Geographic Channel for real….

Oh. I’m gonna make home-made beanie weenies for lunch today.

Kinda excited about that.

My house is kinda messy this morning, but I prefer to call it “lived in”

Houses always get messy when it’s too cold to go outside.

I wonder what it was like when there was no indoor plumbing and it was too cold to go out and take care of business.

I guess that’s why they had dirt floors for so long.

Man, it’s really howling now.

I can feel the coolness coming from the window next to my leg.

Ooops, I just saw Lacy move.

Good, I thought she was dead.

I’ll have the priest bless her to…or an exorcism. I’ll let him judge on what’s best to do after he meets her.

I’m thinking exorcism or straight to the pyre.

Well, I gotta go…I let my egg get cold, AND my coffee.

My wifes phone is ringing, i don’t know how to answer it. She’s got all this Valentines day app crap on it! I can’t tell what is what! Justa buncha hearts for everything.

Oh well….it was probably her boyfriend checking to see if i was still here….

Alright, I’ll let y’all go for now.

I’m gonna make a new egg, some new toast and fresh coffee and read some WordPress stuff.

Y’all have a good day and keep the shiny side up.