I’m sitting here in Bend, Oregon at a strip mall waiting to unload some Xmas stuff at a store called Tuesday Morning….I don’t get the name.
It’s raining, the wind is blowing…
It is a dark and stormy night…
I always loved Snoopys opening line to his never finished novel.
But it will always be the most famous unfinished novel in the world.
Don’t know why I just thought of that….it must be the Chia seeds.
I want to talk about New Year’s resolutions and Year End memories.
I don’t think I’ve ever fulfilled a resolution.
So, to start off with a positive note I am going to say NUTS to any resolutions and just do it.
I have already started on the NO SMOKING ‘effort’ and it’s kinda tough. I should have never started, but I’m a closet idiot and couldn’t help myself.
All my friends and relatives smoke….and I wanted to fit in.
Yesterday was one week without smoking. Yes….thank you for the applause.
Did you know that when you quit smoking that you cough more than when you were?
Please…for God’s sake stop the applause, you’re embarrassing me…
I don’t mean the regular coughing….I mean the hacking, gagging cough that makes your vision blur , veins pop in your neck and your lungs collapse and/or just plain fall out in your lap. I say your lap because it is impossible to stand during these fits of wheezing. You must either lie down or sink to your knees and grab the earth, because it’s gonna tilt and swirl baby….
I wanna get off this ride mommy….
The spots floating around my eyes are kinda cool though…like seeing Tinkerbell.
I have decided to collect all the gooey stuff that I get off my shirt and windshield to sell to a lab somewhere. It’s gotta be worth something.
Next ‘effort’ is to eat healthier and exercise.
I decided to survive on Chia seeds, salad and baloney sammiches.
I like to call it “The Neanderthal Diet for a Neanderthal that likes baloney.”
If I am forced to quit eating baloney or the world run’s out of it, just send me to a nice remote island and let me starve to death with dignity.
This just popped into my head: The Lord’s punishment for me will be to put me on a desert island with nothing on it but tomatoes and buttermilk.
He is a cruel and just God…but, if he ever deprives me of mustard….I’m going to the other team.
The exercise part will probably be the most difficult. If I wasn’t so lazy it would be easy. But I hate walking…I hate running…hell, I hate running so much that I hate to see other people running. The only time a person should run is either from a tornado, a fire, a tripped alarm system or when Jehovah’s Witnesses knock at the front door.
Running people make me suspicious. All that sweat and bouncing body parts….(shudder)
That’s it….Oh, and when jumping from a building. A good running start will make sure you clear the pedestrians on the sidewalk and make it easier for the street cleaners to wash your sorry carcass off the street.
Next….Hmmm…I can’t really think of anything I need to change.
Perfection has that effect…
Oh, wait…here’s one: Be nicer to old people.
No more pushing granny down the stairs to collect her insurance. No more cheating the nursing home tenants at memory games. No more swapping grampys vitamins with Viagra. No more swapping the gravy on their mashed potatoes with peanut butter. Yes…I know that’s kinda mean, but it’s funny as hell to watch.
Okay…here’s another one:
I promise to be nicer to motorists in 4 wheelers (cars)…except in Baton Rouge, Atlanta, Houston, California in its entirety and the George Washington Bridge in New York City. If you hear about a truck driver going berserk in any of these locations and making car patties, erase this posts from your hard drive, eat all print outs and pretend you never loved me.
I know it will be hard, but I trust your discretion and inability to testify against me in the chance I am apprehended and falsely accused.
I hope they ‘tazer’ me…that always looks cool on YouTube….
Memories of 2013:
The first time I’ve actually thought that the early onset of Alzhiemers would be a GOOD thing…
[Note] Knock on wood
I can’t remember too much about the past year except that I found WordPress and The Community Storyboard.
This is a great memory for me, because I found FRIENDS AND THOUSANDS OF ADMIRERS, an outlet for my thoughts and a way to make me laugh at myself while also discovering that potty humor is not appreciated by discerning palates as much as I thought.
I say ‘palates’ because those few heretics that hate poo poo jokes can eat shit and die!
Bahahaha! I always wanted to fit that into a sentence somehow!
Bad Trey…..pagans…just saying.
I remember that….wait….Let me think…
Oh, I remember…I can’t remember a damn thing unless it’s associated with pain, blood (which usually comes after pain), internet porn, football, loud noises, bad smells (I’m not gonna say poop), internet porn or….wait a sec…did I just….?
I know there are a couple of chicks in Scotland and Las Vegas that have the hot’s for me.
These 2 women are incredibly gifted in their own right and have fantastic taste in men. Did I just say ‘taste’?
Hmmm….Freudian slip perhaps?
But, I will not succumb to their womanly wiles and temptations, because I am an artist and a serious writer! I will stay focused on my craft and bring laughter and contemplation to my horde of minions.
Unless they send naked pics….
Just kidding girls…[Note] firstname.lastname@example.org Just FYI….; )
Okay, so let’s start off next year with absolutely no intentions of making a single resolution. Let’s just do them because they need to be done.
So let’s go out of 2013 and never look back!
Unless the IRS is following you….THEN…. running would be a good idea.
Remember to clear the sidewalk…..