I built my life around guilt and regret.
They were easy to find….
They are mine
They are as dear to me as brothers
I have them with me at all times or I would feel empty inside.
My regret is strong……My guilt is deep
They are the cold, black river that flows thru my soul…..churning…..flooding.
They are links in my chain of thought
They are my fellow travelers
Regret is a darker shadow that is bright in the night because that’s where lonely lives.
I can’t make a decision without consulting my regret first.
It has needs…..It must be fed.
It feeds off of guilt.
They are sustenance….one for the other.
Brother needing brother…..Brother feeding on brother.
I could see my regret in everything I did or dreamt to do.
I can taste the guilt….bitter……sweet
Like salty tears from my heart.
Weaving thru the screaming maze that has no end or direction….
I am a blind man.
There is no way out from the screaming path with these, my dark brethren.
When I have them wrapped around me, a martyr’s cloak, I feel secure in my regret, protected by my guilt.
No one can hurt me anymore under my shields of woe.
They lovingly whisper to me when I cannot sleep amidst my dream of yesterdays
They tell me I need them
They tell me I deserve them
I am nothing without them…..
I am a prisoner of my past serving a life sentence in a future that cannot escape it.
The prison walls are high and they are thick.
They have a heartbeat…..
It sounds broken to me.
The walls speak to me when it is quiet.
Loneliness speaks from the dark river
“No one can get in….And you can never escape.”
You did this to yourself…..
”It’s all your fault….”
“You fucker”…..It says.
I am not a fucker….
I am the man who found a flower with petals of light in a dying garden deep in my soul.
Tears of joy made my garden grow.
I have lots of pretty flowers now.
Regret and Guilt still haunt me, but a pace or two behind.
The time that they stole from me…jingling in their pockets like ticking coins.
I thought I needed them, these Brothers Grim.
They kept me from forgiveness….
They kept me from my kids….
They kept me from…..ME