I wonder if there is a medical term, for the ever present condition of hard nipples on a man….
Now that I have your attention, you bunch of sick bastards; I wanna talk about real life sex things, after the age of 50.
Sex things, you ask?
”Hmmmm, oh yeah, baby, now he’s talking….” you moan….
Y’all make me sick…
……repent ye
Anywho
I am a prude.
I get embarrassed watching people smooch. On Tv or live…
I can’t watch soft porn, hard porn or naked people on TV, ask my wife!
I get all red in the face and say something like “I can’t believe they put that shit on TV where kids can see it”
Then I turn the channel to a nice family show or a bible study channel and ask God to punish all of the dirty filthy sex fiends….
But, I also remember that I was 13 years old, once and I too, was a dirty filthy sex fiend.
I guess I am like most men or I should say, most men that are not currently incarcerated in a local penal facility for illegal expressions or applications of a carnal nature. (Ha ha, I said “penal”)
When I was 13, the most important thing in my life was a single 3 inch hair on my left nipple.
The next most important thing was that I had an all consuming, burning desire to stick my pecker into anything that didn’t contain broken glass, bees, venomous reptiles or first cousins.
Well, the first cousins part is a little shady.
I mean, it’s in the Bible that you can marry a cousin, I think…so….
All I can say now as a grown man, looking back; Thank God my family isn’t from Kentucky and all of my first cousins, that are female, are ugly.
I had some third cousins though, that I woulda….Grrrrrrr.
They were from Alabama and y’all know how those Alabama girl cousins are…..
I’m getting side-tracked again…
Anywho…
When I was 13 I cursed God for giving me 2 hands and accompanying arms, long enough to help said hands reach my pubic area.
If idle hands are truly the devils workshop then, when I was 13 I was going straight to heaven, baby!
Let’s just say that I was devout…..
Unexpected Boners:
- English class/ 8th grade/ Ms Fitzgerald: Red hair/Female/pouty lips
- Biology class/ 8th grade/ Ms Mulkey: dressed like an Amish woman/ female/ Sex-Ed/ pictures in books
- P.E/ boys showers/ 8th grade/ Coach Jaworski/ male/ girls playing volleyball and basketball; both games involve lots of jumping and running, which causes boobs to bounce; hence the perfectly natural result of the embarrassing situation jutting within my flimsy gym shorts/ girls squealing and laughing in their shower right next to the boys shower, separated by an impenetrable and unbreachable, 8 inch thick, cinder block wall, dammit!
Man, I think that’s when I developed my overactive and very descriptive imagination….
We boys knew that the wanton strumpets on the other side of the wall were necked; they’d be bouncing around under that hot, steamy water covered in soapy soap suds, wrestling with each other, pinching each others boobs, smacking each other on the butts, wet hair flying around….….
Never mind….I’m getting light headed all of a sudden…
I’m glad I don’t think about that perverted stuff, anymore.
Back to unexpected boners:
- Hallway/ 8th thru 12th grade/ bumping into girls/ smelling girls perfume/ smelling girls hair/ girls bending over looking in their locker/ girls dropping something on the floor/ girls reaching high for a book in the library/ girls bending over to tie their shoe/ girls eating a banana very slowly or using utensils very slowly, in the lunch room/ the sweaty cleavage women in the cafeteria serving us our food/ cheerleaders in skirts kicking their legs high and wide into the air/ girls breathing/ girls looking at me/ girls smiling at me/ girls breathing……
Yeah….they wanted it.
What was I saying again?
Oh, my 3 inch nipple hair.
When I was 13 years old I wanted to be Paul Stanley, the lead singer for the band KISS.
Well, I wanted Paul’s hairy chest and Gene Simmons tongue but, let’s not go down that road….
God, I was a little pervert!
You know what?! Now that I think about it, if I’d had a son like me, I’d give him a year supply of hand lotion, dirty books and pizza pockets; lock him in his room for the year, pipe the music of Air Supply, Mozart or Yani into the room and take him out once a week, put him in plow harness, plow 40 acres of turnips and taters until he couldn’t walk anymore, then beat him with a knobby stick for an hour and tell him that girls have cooties and that Jesus hates you when you pull on your pud and think dirty thoughts about Ms Mulkey, the neighbor girl and/or his third cousins….
That’s the ticket.
Anywho…what’s with me today? I keep getting side tracked…
My 3 inch nipple hair….
I was so proud when it popped out; the hair I mean.
I was a man.
I had some new hair already….you know, down there….but now, I had a “hairy” chest, too!
FINALLY!!!
I probably looked up at my Loni Anderson poster that hung on the wall beside my bed and whispered “You know you want it baby” then I probably ended up pulling on my pud with great vigor and dedication until I felt guilty and had an overwhelming urge to confess to a priest, regardless of the fact that I had never really met a priest or that we tended to hang Catholics in my part of the state…..
I wonder if all 13 year old boys are dirty little bastards….
Probably not….
I remember tugging on my 3 inch nipple hair to make sure it was rooted properly and wouldn’t rub off or break when I put my shirt on.
When I tugged on it, the hair, not my pud; I was quite surprised that it was attached, internally, to my spine, toes and finger-tips….weird.
Quick observation for y’all, since I like to report on real time things while I’m talking to you…
I’m sitting here in my big rig looking out the windows as I think of these witty things to write and wonder why people stare at their dogs while they go poop…..
Speaking of dogs….
Two guys watching a dog lick himself…
One guy says “Man, I wish I could do that”
Other guy says “Dude…..that dog would bite the shit out of you”
Both dudes nod their heads, speculatively.
Ha ha! Here’s another one….
So…I got a new pair of black Speedos a little while back
One sunny day, I went down to the beach and asked my ugly buddy how he was always surrounded by so many beautiful girls.
“Ancient Chinese secret” he laughed…”I take a potato and shove it into my trunks and they come a running”!
I was impressed at the simplicity of it, but dubious…I retorted, “Hell, That’s no secret, but when I did it they kicked me in the cahoonas and sprayed me in the eyes with mace”…
My friend said “It’d probably work better if you put the tater in the front of your trunks”
Ohhhhh….
Okay, I’m tired of messing with y’all, I gotta go to work.
I don’t know why I was thinking about boners and my 3 inch nipple hair this morning…
Hmmm…I just thought of something;
Now that I’m 50 years old, I don’t get that excited about new hairs that much.
They’re everywhere…
My 3 inch nipple hair has moved to my ears and comes out gray….
It ain’t attached to nothing….
Well, unless someone else LIKE MY WIFE! JERKS IT OUT BECAUSE SHE THINKS ITS UGLY AND I WOULD APPRECIATE HER TENDING TO THAT IRKSOME HAIR FOR ME!!!!
Y’all have a good Sunday now, ya hear….and why ain’t you in church?
Sinners….
Everything Hurts & I'm Dying 